May 31, 2010

  • i don't know how long this will last, but i'm hoping this realization i've come to will stick, because i really, really need this.  it's like when you're sick, you take pills to dry up your nose and make the headaches stop.  but then you're just fucking with the way your body's trying to rid that shit from your system.  trying to feel better, a temporary quick fix, isn't going to solve the underlying problem.  and the underlying problem is that you just don't give a shit.  and i can't make you.  so why get hung up on worrying about it?  i say this all the time, i realize, but standing in a supermarket today i couldn't remember exactly why it seemed to important to be your friend (or YOURS for that matter).  for a long time i wasn't feeling good enough to be near you, and you fed on that shit.  so why am i busting MY ass, trying to get you to like ME?  can't quite figure it out, except to say that maybe if i spent half as much time working on making myself happy as i spend dreaming up ways to make you like me again i'd probably be published by now.

    and the worst part is, you'll read this and say "oh good, that's exactly what i wanted to happen.  i've made her life better, made her a stronger, more self sufficient person".  yeah, no.  go to hell.  all you've done is made me cold and hard inside.  it's astounding to look back at the way i used to feel about you (all), the kind of raw power and emotion i had then.  now, i just don't care.  about being around people, falling in love.  it's all superfluous.  just biology and chemistry acting out, assisting the continuation of our species and making sure we don't kill and eat our annoying ass children (and yes, while my ultimate dream is to be a mother of three, i will admit that kids bug the fuck out of me).

    i've been here since 2003.  none of this should surprise any of you.  OH SHIT, she's ranting about something completely pointless, and it's really overdramatic, and in a few months she'll look back and laugh...  you're not surprised, i know.

    meh.  i was also thinking how strange it would be, to go online to someone's journal and read about yourself.  i think that would make my stomach latch up into my ribs (as it tends to do just now that i CANNOT stop fucking coughing to save my life).  terrifying.  because really, you probably know that i'm talking about you.  i'm not the best at keeping my internet feelings under wraps (that's reserved for my fit and mysterious real life, where it's pretty hard to get anything out of me, period).

    ohh well.  i guess i'm just in a funny mood.  imma blow my nose (whoooa forgot how to spell nose for a moment), get into bed, and pray i don't have another night of dreaming in high school musical songs.  this is pretty much what my dream was last night, verbatim: