January 28, 2011

• i need the smell of summer, i need its noises in my ears

  

  long time no see.

  what have i been doing, let's see... here is an abridged description of the past few weeks:

  i have been unibombering down in my house after work each day, reading passages from paranormal teen romance books and working on my own masterpiece, which chugs along with daily improvements and i can't even fathom how cool it will be to tie everything together in book three.

  i have been listening to the beatles, and the maine, and taylor swift, and secret country music.

  god help me i have been watching skins usa.  and obsessing over this girl and her loveliness:

   

  which, of course, isn't to say i've forgotten this girl:

  

  i'm starting to think i've got problems.  ahahaha.  hah.

  i have been having quasi-erotic zombie dreams, which according to the dream dictionary means that i'm worried about things in my life i cannot control, though i think a dream where i'm kissing brad pitt and angelina jolie says something entirely different... god i hate angelina so much...

  i have been feeling young and vibrant and a little confused, but overall working toward resolution of certain problems in my life.

  i have been preparing mentally for summer. ohmyGOD can't wait.

  i have been thinking about how much i hate you sometimes for making me miss you and dream about you when i don't want to.  and i don't see how it's fair, how everyone makes it so easy to talk to each other, be friends, not be completely cut off and ignored, and i have to be the kid in the corner eating paste with her finger up her nose.  as in, i know i thought some crazy things (i said crazier things about someone who really deserved it, and he fucking loves crazy chicks, so i don't know what went wrong there!), but they were never malicious.  i could see if i peed in your gas tank or bit your girlfriend it might be different, but i mean REALLY... i never did anything truly horrible, apart from be a tad bit melodramatic... hardly a crime.  BAH MOTHERFUCKERRRR!  yeah.

  i have felt like quoting taylor swift.  again.  christ, what is my life coming to?
  so this is me swallowin' my pride, standin' in front of you
  sayin' i'm sorry for that night.
  it turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you.
  wishin' i realized what i had when you were mine.

  i have wondered how i would feel if my first book ever got published.  not that i've sent it out to agents or anything.  i'm sitting on it, waiting for something bigger and more powerful to use to make my debut... but at the same time, through all the dramatization and character assassination it's all true.  i fell asleep the other night reading an old journal i'd written during that summer, and even though i don't feel as strongly now about anything as i felt about someone(s) then i can immediately tap into those emotions.  i wanted so badly to be enough for someone, so badly to be what they wanted, and it took time and space to realize i would never be that person.  but just reading about them, oh my lord... rainy walks and spikes in my sheets, kisses trailed along my spine and rocks at my window.  i was so damn sure i was in love with every one of them, and when i do the math 0/4 boys that i really truly cared about will speak to me.  that must say something about how they felt about me!  good job, ginormass.

  i feel like there's more to say but my feet are cold and i have to work in the morning.  why isn't anything satisfying anymore?  i hate having seasonal depression...

  yours always,
  lucy

  • 10:16 pm
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