i had a dream about you last night, which isn't entirely fair because my conscious mind is avoiding you.  the idea that my subconscious would disrespect my wishes like that suggests internal warfare, about which i'm not totally surprised.

but in my dream it was the end of the world, and we were all living in a gorgeous security compound to prevent us from experiencing fallout.  instead of being some underground bunker, hellker's haven was like a mediterranean island, with shimmering blue swimming pools and white stucco buildings. 

everyone had a familiar, and mine was a black cat with a white chest.  i was lying on the floor, dreaming of the outside, when a cabbage patch doll sized general appeared by a little door and tried to get my attention.  i had a handful of magic stones, and he wanted to me try an agility course with them.  i patted his head, about which he got very annoyed, so i patted his shoulder instead.  we went inside, but something went wrong, and all of a sudden it was a bloodbath, arrows flying and boxes lodged in people's heads.  i crawled along the floor and then there you were, in a pile of people, sticking out tall above the rest, of course.  somehow i got my arms and legs wrapped around you, and i knew i couldn't let go or i'd die.

i wonder if that's what that means.  i just can't let go.  i'll get an arrow between the eyes, or a box upside the head.  just can't let go.

 

i'll admit it, i'm drunk on the interwebz.  my computer has been busted for about 2 weeks now, and i'm losing my damn mind not being able to post (just ask CM) .

i spent a whole evening sitting on my porch, warm hazy air slipping by, familiar blanket across my legs.  i used to sit there every night in the summer, waiting for someone to walk by and change my mind.  no one ever did, and it was only after i'd crawled into my bed that i'd hear the rocks at my window, pulling me away from my sheets  it still felt so comforting to sit there, to wait, and wonder.

i wonder what it would have been like to grow up like kids today do, on the internet.  i wonder if i would possibly be more socially inept (imagine!)

anyway, maybe a little taste of something literary?  perhaps??

"If I swore to you that you could jump from here, into the water, and it would be perfectly safe, would you trust me?" he asked, taking me by the shoulders and lining me up with the edge.  I could barely even see then, as the moon had passed behind a cloud.  My breath was coming up short, like there was suddenly less space in my lungs.

"It's really dark, and really far, and have I mentioned I'm terrified of deep water?"  I rambled, struggling to fill my chest with the air that seemed more and more precious.  He turned me then, focusing in closely on my eyes.

"I don't want to break your little heart or anything, but you seem like you're afraid of everything.  Besides, it's not about fear.  It's about trust.  I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you.  If you trust me, you'll know that."  he finished, and even though my blood was thundering in my ears I nodded.  He smiled again suddenly, wrapping warm fingers around mine and tugging me back to the edge.  I closed my eyes instantly, and instead focused on the thumping of my heartbeat in my head.  I could hear him chuckling.  "Now c'mon… what fun will it be if you can't see what's coming?"

I didn't answer, just gripped his hand tightly and hoped my trust in him was well placed.  I could hear him counting, but it didn't matter.  In the end I actually jumped first, anything to get it over with.  He didn't let go of my hand until we'd hit the water, and it seemed like the fall should have taken longer.  In an instant I'd gone from shaking on the rock face to deep under the black water, barely knowing which way was up. Somehow, and I'll never really understand how, he managed to find my arm and pull me to the surface.  When I broke through the moon was out again and we'd actually floated quite a ways down.  Before long he was clearly standing on a bigger rock, even though the water was still above our heads.  He pulled me to him, a triumphant look on his face.  I was buoying then, bobbing up and down as he snatched one of my legs and wrapped me around him.  I could use him like a flotation device, and I could feel myself smiling stupidly.            

"Well," I managed.            

"Did you like it?" he asked, and I nodded.  The talking stopped there.

that's all.  sigh.  and this is me:

ever so much happening just so fast.  decorating the cu for the fourth, decorating myself to win a prize.  parties this weekend, bowling next week (llamar, i will text you later in the week to see if you're available), and daydreaming about novels.  almost finished (like, very, very close) with 19th summer, finishing vital scenes and trying to make sure no one sees too much of themselves between the lines.

almost died yesterday, going cold turkey on caffeine and advil.  oh, and VSAC + insurance = poverty.  send soup, please.

 

i love when peoples lives are so completely useless that the only thing they can think to do is talk shit about other people.  it wouldn't be so bad if i hadn't been trying (legitimate effort) to be nice, but what can you do?  discovered a few things while riding around with my mother, picking strawberries at the nazi farm (ICH BIN EINE STRAWBERRIES!) and letting my mind work at a million miles a minute.  life is too short to worry about bullshit and drama, and too short to worry about anything besides making myself and the people i love happy.  so here's to happiness!

i've been in such a funny mood lately.  cherry is completely kerfukd, so writing isn't high on my priority list, and i literally have not done a single blessed productive thing in three days.  i'm going to put down roots any moment here.  WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME!?!?

ugh, anyway, in the spirit of wasting time on youtube (useful, i know), i have to share this.  i know you still don't care, but this is honestly the best show on television, the most beautiful show i've ever seen, and the best show you're not watching:

i let my fingers slip and slide through the remains of old email accounts, clinging to that former poetry.  it turns me inside out, a laughing crying whirling pool of passion for what i had, and lament the things that have changed.  maybe i'm clinging to something that has long since passed, that tenderness of emotion that i can't find but crave just the same.

why is it that the only thing that contracts my heart is the furthest (well, not QUITE furthest) farthest flung machination in my brain?  i think it's part history, part hope for the future, part hope that this pain in my stomach isn't some sort of time bomb, tick tick ticking the moments off the clock and waiting to explode.

just meet me here, okay?

i am still, and i really think unnaturally, broken up by this:

i picked my top three today, numbered them from first to last, and was hit with a startling discovery.  i like to be mistreated.  it's the only explanation i can come up with.  my top three is overrun with assholes, masochists, married men, the distant and the departed.  wc says i want what i can't have, that's human nature.  i think it's easier to pine for things without having to worry about what i might do if they ever came to be.

anyway, ziti and early bed.  trying to wean myself off painkillers, to stop these 4am rebound headaches.  damn you excedrin, and all your false promises...