she was twelve and she did what i always intended to do.  yeah, i've been watching the documentary channel again, but at least it had some beneficial influence on me this time.

yep, i'm finally going to do it.  i'm going to make my movie.  i'm going to finish writing and cast it and rehearse it this winter, then spend next summer filming it.  i have a few requests, although i probably won't get much of a response a girl can hope, yeah?  here's what i need:

first and foremost, please please please respond here or by email telling me your best story about the high school dance.  it can be wonderful, horrifying, it doesn't matter.  i've got my basic story, but would like to flesh it out a bit with specific experiences.

also, i'm looking for anyone with expertise who can help me find good local grants, is good at working with light, can help me work up the nerve to talk to the high school to get approval to film there, knows some good teen actors (won't have a casting till fall, but i want authentically young kids), knows anything about licensing music (specifically would i save money getting a band to    cover stairway to heaven and other songs, or if i should just bite the bullet and wait ten years to save the money to get the real thing).

anyone... ADVISE ME!!  IMMA DO THIS SHIT!

2am, time to pretend that hearing the name of your town on the news doesn't stop my heart in my throat, time to pretend i don't keep your tokens in a box, hidden away on the shelf.

everything aches and i don't sleep well at night and i don't know why.

i don't like feeling this way.

1. i rode past your father's house tonight, giving someone a ride home.  the light pollution was creeping up over trees that frame the water there and all of a sudden i missed you, a stabbing pain in my stomach.  i miss knowing you were there for me, that we were friends, thinking that you knew me better than anyone.  and i hate missing you.

2. i always wished that you loved me.  not like you loved her, obviously, and not in the way you thought i meant.  i just wanted for you to care, because i don't think you ever really did.  all i wanted was for you to call me a friend, no matter how messed up things got.  i hate that you tried to make me feel like i don't deserve love.

3. i used to think about what it would be like, to fly across the country to see you.  you would pick me up at the airport and i would be alluring and mysterious, riding with my feet out your window.  you'd take me to all the places i've always wanted to see, buy me ice cream, smoke with me on the beach.

 

on a lighter note, i can lose whole days on http://textsfromlastnight.com

started the new job, for real yesterday.

love love LOVE my new coworkers, love love LOVE my new boss, love the prospect of working without getting dirty or harassed and being able to drink water and wear colors.  dare to dream, right?

seriously, i don't know how i got this lucky, but mannnn.

so now here's a few things i've got in place:

1. amazing job that i love to death, where i make more money, don't work nights or most weekends, have INCREDIBLE benefits, and don't work holidays.
2. good friends that i still genuinely care about, even if i don't see them everyday/they live a million miles away.
3. a place to go out at night where people know my name and treat me well.
4. uhm... specially ordered shoes from sean at danform?

let's kick this mother up a notch and get the rest in order:

1. room and wardrobe overhauled
2. debt worked out
3. car situation solved
4. body de-fattified
5. uhm... romance?

sorted.

slightly longer skirt, work appropriate?

feeling decidedly ill, too much brandy sauce and not enough sleep or water.

first day is tomorrow, and i'm kind of freaking out about it.  did almost all of my laundry, cleaned out my car, but have a sneaking suspicion that if i don't run, and run far, i'm going to end up in a house i designed, with three kids, wondering what love is really like.  because sometimes being content seems like it will have to be enough, and other times i think that if i don't breakout i will burst.

i don't know what to do.  i want a therapist.  maybe i'll just pay one of my friends to listen to me, the advice would probably be the same, there just wouldn't be any drugs at the end of the rainbow.

uhm. yesterday was mostly strange.  happy because i was leaving kmart, but sad to be leaving the people i really care about.  got a card and a balloon and an edible arrangement and 5% off jiffy lube.  got hugged a whole bunch.  drove home singing ke$ha at the top of my lungs.  went to the brewery and tasted all the beers, then let my dad buy me a huge bottle of it, along with two captain and cokes at the bar.  ate porkchops, sobered up a bit, watched true life and went to bed, dreaming of harry potter and making pasta.

terribly odd happenings.  now, five days off till new job begins... what's a vacationing girl to do but hike, clean, and party?

three days left until i'm all done at my job.

yep.  i escaped.  NEARLY INTACT.

so what's a girl to do when all her dreams are coming true?  why spend the evening home alone, drinking diet caffeine free pepsi whilst browsing kmart consumer complaints (and yelling at the computer) and the vermont sex offender registry database.  i really could be the coolest kid ever.

tomorrow's the day off, going to btown with mi madre to get her stitches out, buy new work pants at the gap, have lunch, then return for margaritaville in the front yard and perhaps a little karaoke action.  again, seriously, could i be any more awesome?

THREE.  MORE.  DAYS.

then the truth will come out.  it's only stayed inside this long because i signed my internet life away.

i wonder what it would be like to be a dude.  i'm pretty sure right now that hormones make up 98.6 percent of my thoughts and feelings right now.

once the melodrama starts oozing out of my brain i lose all control.  emotional incontinence.  yum.

i am so utterly torn up right now that i don't know if i'd rather laugh or cry.  exb has served to remind me that not only have i not hung out with any guys during the last... seven months or so, but all the people i used to call and enjoy are purposefully ignoring me / hating my guts / not thinking of me ever.  i want to rage and spit and curse, but know that it won't make a difference.  you can't make someone care about you.

but let's give it a go, anyway.

am i really that vile?  am i abnormally annoying, disgusting, evil, wrong?  am i worthless?  i'm starting something new, a new job a new life and all i can think about is the fact that so many people aren't just busy, but actively disposing of me.  maybe you thought i was crazy, whoever you are, maybe you thought i was burning pining perishing for you.  let me give you a hint, let you in on a little secret.  i wasn't.  i wasn't thinking of you in a real, concrete way, i was worshiping your memory.  i probably never even really loved you, despite the ramblings on this useless bit of cyberspace.  i know this because i don't think i truly love, unless it's mixed up with hate and longing and selfishness.

why do i say all this?  simple, really, i dream that you'll read this and call me and explain yourself, drive to me and wrap me up in your arms and say it was all a horrible nightmare.  tell me that i'm not any of the horrible things i think about myself, that you don't hate me.  it's a dream because i know it won't happen, you'll read this (you won't read this) and think "god, glad i blew off that drama freak".  i forget, always, that just because you can prove you're bruised and broken doesn't mean someone's going to give a damn.