February 16, 2010

• so if my google stalkings are correct you're married now.  i hope it isn't to that psycho girl that called me one night, and i hope you might be genuinely happy.  because through all the bullshit, believing the stupid shit he told me, the lies you told, in the end i can't help but burn a little.  my god, i miss your face.  i miss your eyes and your smile, your tight back and short legs.  i miss those shoes you used to wear and the way your hands were always so warm.  you had the biggest eyes and the boniest butt and the most skewed outlook on everything.  you were probably nothing but a cheater but i loved you nonetheless.  i miss the days of penny candy and roller blades, and when you'd tell me stories about life.  one of my greatest regrets is lying to you, laughing when you said you liked me.  because the truth is from the first day i saw you i loved you.  i don't miss pretending like i don't care and i hate that i'll probably never get to tell you how much i cared.

  and why, jesus, am i thinking about you now?  is it because i have a job that's slowly killing me, making my brain dull and my thighs wide?  is it because i hate who i am, what i'm doing, and miss who i was and wanted to be?

  all i can think is that i can't stand this much longer, this dead and dreary lack of emotion.  at least when i hated you, that was something.  now i can't even muster that much.  i can't love with fire anymore, can't ache or burn or pine or perish.  i can't feel.

  • 10:10 pm
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